so i didn’t win… that’s okay
immediately upon finding out, i sank into a seeth of self-loathing and despair – self esteem plummets through the ground! as my friend j.k. opined about a similar (who am i kidding, the same) topic, “ego tremmors [sic] 4-5 richter scale.” it is always funny how suddenly i can lose my sense of worth, but then again how suddenly i can regain it. after denouncing all i had ever done as “nothing worth speaking of” and writing a teeth-clenching email to my (amazing) friend to cheer him on, i went out to the diner with my greek class and promptly ordered an omelette with extra cheese and a large coffee milkshake. i balked at getting a quarter pounder (although i did get a bacon cheeseburger that day as well), but i got sick enough from all that egg and milk anyway. even now, i can feel the acrid creamy sting of dairy in the back of my throat and the curves of my stomach.
after my attempt to vindicate myself through self-sabotage (i am a lactose intolerant vegan), after this purposeful act of senseless violence, i felt much better.
and now i can come to terms with the fact that i didn’t win, and my self esteem has returned.
anyway, i only didn’t win because i turned in absolutely awful pieces. it’s true – i’m not just saying this because i have an inflated ego – i really am amazing, but thanks to a combination of depression, psychosis, memory loss, and anxiety (note the oxford comma!), i turned in absolutely nil work for the first half of the year and increasingly shoddy work for the second half. if i was given to embarrassment, i would be ashamed of the quality of my work this year. the fact that i was nominated at all, despite such glaring mishaps, is already a testament to the strength of my talent.
and so on, and so forth, until i convince myself that i am actually the best english student in the school, were i only to apply myself and turn in work once in a while.
i also finished to the lighthouse this week.